you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
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