You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
