New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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