you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Randomize
