I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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