I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
