Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Randomize
