I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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