Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
