I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
