my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Dignity is for republicans.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
