So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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