dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
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