I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Randomize
