dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
