I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Let's get the cat blown out
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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