i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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