Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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