getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
