Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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