my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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