There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
