Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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