The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
The air was thick with penises
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You pole danced in your parka.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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