She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
