just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
