I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
home. puking in laundry basket.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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