Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
