I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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