how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
