Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
