This dress was meant to end up on your floor
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
