Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Randomize
