Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
