Sacagawea was the original milf.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
