What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
