You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
