And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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