you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
