Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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