Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
