I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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