i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
