Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
