a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
