I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
