I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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