My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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