I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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