My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
