Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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